i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
