Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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