theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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