Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
