Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
