I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
