Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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