i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
