I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
