So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
