The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
