I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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