it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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