The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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