When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Randomize
