My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
