just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
