Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
