if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
