After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize