I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
