also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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