im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
