Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
