sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I wish you could order shots online.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
