Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize