I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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