Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
