Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
