peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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