we're chasing vodka with high fives
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
