does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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