He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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