You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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