She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
