you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
