He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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