Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
