highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Are we still banned from the library?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
