I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
