Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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