I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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