If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
