worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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