I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
