I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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