My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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