Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
