sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
