someone threw a dead crab at me
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
