Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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