Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
