I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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