I'm going to jail i love you
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
