her vagine was all disorganized.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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