The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize