everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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