I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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