something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
