My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
