I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
