Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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