Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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