Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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