I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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