made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
