Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
and i looked up. we had an audience...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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