You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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